Learning to Let Go
My baby will be 10 next month. I think I might cry, but not because she's growing up. I want her to grow up. It would be weird if she didn't. The reason I might cry is because I want time to slow down, but I know it won't. I am so sentimental right now. For ten years I have been her world, and she will always be mine. I've taught her practically everything she knows, even though every time I ask her where she learned something she tells me she learned it from the TV. I'd be lying if I said I enjoyed every minute of it, but I wouldn't trade it for the world. We have both learned volumes more than any text book could ever teach us, and for that I am so grateful. I hope one day she will say the same because everything I have done and everything I will do for her has been out of nothing less than overwhelming, unconditional love for her.
But, our journey has brought us to a place neither of us have ever encountered before. And it's a little petrifying.
I have never been afraid that sending my kids to public school would ultimately be the same as me giving them a one way ticket to hell as some might say. My God is bigger than that. I have never doubted that they would receive a good education in public school. I would be sure of that. My heart as a homeschool mom has always been to nurture God-given convictions and purpose in their lives, and to enjoy them while they're little and all mine. I don't have an answer to the why we homeschool question. I just know that I am a mom who loves her children more than life, and just like any other mom who feels that way, I want what is best for them. I've always said that we would take it one step at a time because I know that every child is different.
One day I will have to totally release them back into God's care because they were His children before they were mine. Putting Lorelai in public school feels like a first step toward relinquishing that control, and it is heart-wrenching. It is hard on every mother, no matter how old their child is. Is she ready? I believe she has been ready for quite some time, but I didn't want to admit it. Will it be a challenge? I'd be naive if I didn't think it will be. Will she ever be homeschooled again? I don't know. I believe in homeschooling or I wouldn't be keeping Toby home and planning on teaching Seth at home.
The reason I have to do this is because even though I love her with all my heart we are starting to despise each other. We both dread doing school work because we know it's going to be a battle of wills. I can see us going down a path that I do not want to venture down. School feels like punishment and when it's over the rest of our day isn't much better. Little by little I gave in and required less of her just to save my sanity, but I was doing her no favors. I've seen it coming for a while now, but not knowing if she was academically ready for public school held me back from taking that leap. Instead, I held her back hoping to catch her up, while she steadily fell further behind in the middle of the increasing demands of her little brothers. I know she would eventually catch up and probably exceed my expectations if we were to continue to homeschool, but at what cost? I understand that there will probably not be anyone reading this that understands what I'm talking about, but I'm putting it out there anyway.
We're two weeks into public school and the transition has been as smooth as butter. From what I hear, she couldn't have gotten two better teachers. She's making friends and doing well on her school work. I get so excited when it gets close to time to pick her up. She's happy to see me after school, and she loves telling me about her day. It's not going to be roses the whole way through and I realize that. I choose to focus on the now and just trust God. He has never and will never forsake me. He keeps me in perfect peace as my mind is stayed on Him. He leads me and guides me into all truth. He directs my path. I can let go and trust Him knowing that He is with her even when I am not. What more could I ask for?
But, our journey has brought us to a place neither of us have ever encountered before. And it's a little petrifying.
I have never been afraid that sending my kids to public school would ultimately be the same as me giving them a one way ticket to hell as some might say. My God is bigger than that. I have never doubted that they would receive a good education in public school. I would be sure of that. My heart as a homeschool mom has always been to nurture God-given convictions and purpose in their lives, and to enjoy them while they're little and all mine. I don't have an answer to the why we homeschool question. I just know that I am a mom who loves her children more than life, and just like any other mom who feels that way, I want what is best for them. I've always said that we would take it one step at a time because I know that every child is different.
One day I will have to totally release them back into God's care because they were His children before they were mine. Putting Lorelai in public school feels like a first step toward relinquishing that control, and it is heart-wrenching. It is hard on every mother, no matter how old their child is. Is she ready? I believe she has been ready for quite some time, but I didn't want to admit it. Will it be a challenge? I'd be naive if I didn't think it will be. Will she ever be homeschooled again? I don't know. I believe in homeschooling or I wouldn't be keeping Toby home and planning on teaching Seth at home.
The reason I have to do this is because even though I love her with all my heart we are starting to despise each other. We both dread doing school work because we know it's going to be a battle of wills. I can see us going down a path that I do not want to venture down. School feels like punishment and when it's over the rest of our day isn't much better. Little by little I gave in and required less of her just to save my sanity, but I was doing her no favors. I've seen it coming for a while now, but not knowing if she was academically ready for public school held me back from taking that leap. Instead, I held her back hoping to catch her up, while she steadily fell further behind in the middle of the increasing demands of her little brothers. I know she would eventually catch up and probably exceed my expectations if we were to continue to homeschool, but at what cost? I understand that there will probably not be anyone reading this that understands what I'm talking about, but I'm putting it out there anyway.
We're two weeks into public school and the transition has been as smooth as butter. From what I hear, she couldn't have gotten two better teachers. She's making friends and doing well on her school work. I get so excited when it gets close to time to pick her up. She's happy to see me after school, and she loves telling me about her day. It's not going to be roses the whole way through and I realize that. I choose to focus on the now and just trust God. He has never and will never forsake me. He keeps me in perfect peace as my mind is stayed on Him. He leads me and guides me into all truth. He directs my path. I can let go and trust Him knowing that He is with her even when I am not. What more could I ask for?
I realize my experience was slightly different, but I do feel like I know what you're going through! I wanted so badly to be able to put my boys in a great preschool, then when we were finally able to do so, I cried like a baby everyday as soon as I got out of their sight at drop off!! I could barely even talk about the fact that they were in preschool because I would make such a fool of myself crying! "Wah wah wah, my kids are getting a good education and I miss them all day!" Ha! I know I was ridiculous to be around! :-) It's just always hard to let go and to trust others to help us help our children to become the very best people they can be! It will all be great! I'm so happy to hear you guys are off to a great start! XOXO
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