Confessions

I am a very critical person. I'm critical of myself. I'm critical of my husband and my children. I'm critical of everyone (sorry friends). I constantly compare myself to others and worry about what people think of me to the point of feeling insignificant and insufficient. I thrive on planning, organizing, and structure. I need things to be "just so." I crave it. It makes me feel happy, calm, and in control. Being "organized" is a blessing, right? I mean, I'm rarely late, I often have people commenting on my organization skills and my clean house, so I must have it all together, right? Wrong. That's not only wrong, the pursuit of it all is utterly exhausting. Not to mention, it's false and impossible to attain. I am so far from having it all together. It's not from lack of effort on my part because I try. Oh boy, do I ever! "Mommy, can you play with me?" "No, not now, Mommy's busy." "Mommy, come look at what I made!" "Just a minute, sweetie, Mommy needs to finish washing these dishes." You get the point. I'm so busy trying to accomplish the appearance of having it all together that I often miss out on life.

Yes, I've read the articles about taking time for what really matters. I've heard mom's who have grown children say, "Enjoy them while they're little. They're only little for a little while." I believe them. I would love to take their advice. My question is, how? How do you enjoy the scheduling and budget balancing, and constant tugging and vying for attention that comes with parenthood? Deep down I know the answer, but this week has been one of those weeks. If you've been a parent more than a few hours you know what I'm talking about. Some days I feel like I have conquered the world of motherhood, and others I feel like a failure and wonder why God ever saw fit to give me my children. Then there are some days where those emotions are more hour to hour or minute to minute than day to day. Being a parent, for me at least, is like a rollercoaster. I think my problem is that I think too much. Even as I say that I find myself saying to myself, "But if I didn't then things would fall apart around here!" Oh, the pressure! You've heard the saying, "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" Well, ain't that the truth? As moms we have the awesome ability to set the tone or atmosphere in our home. That is great, but at the same time, sometimes I don't want to be happy. I just want to sleep. I don't want to try so hard anymore to be the best. I want to love and be loved for who I am at my best and at my worst. I don't want to have to earn the approval of men. Most of all, I want the fact that I don't have to sink in my thick skull and my hard heart! 

Que Romans 4:13-15. I read it the other morning in my Message Bible. First, let me say that I don't want you to read this and think that I get up early every morning and read the Bible, pray, and spend time with the lover of my soul because I don't. Most Christians don't if we're honest. That is probably why we live powerless lives, but that's another story. We all know we should, but we don't. If you do, then that is awesome! Pray for me because I have a feeling that if I did then this post wouldn't even exist. Now back to Romans. I went out to my patio and read this on Monday morning because I was missing Jesus. The kids were playing all around me and I couldn't shake the thoughts of all I had to do that day so my reading was half-hearted to say the least. This is how powerful God's Word is though! All through that day I kept thinking about what that passage really said and I couldn't help but think that God was trying to tell me something. The thing was I didn't know where I had read it. I sort of flipped through and read a little here and a little there that morning, so I couldn't remember even what book it was in. Wouldn't you know it didn't take me long to find it. This is what it said, 

"That famous promise God gave Abraham- that he and his children would possess the earth- was not given because of something Abraham did or would do. It was based on God's decision to put everything together for him, which Abraham then entered when he believed. If those who get what God gives them only get it by doing everything they are told to do and filling out all the right forms properly signed, that eliminates personal trust completely and turns the promise into an ironclad contract! That's not a holy promise; that's a business deal. A contract drawn up by a hard-nosed lawyer and with plenty of fine print only makes sure that you will never be able to collect. But if there is no contract in the first place, simply a promise-and God's promise at that-you can't break it."

God is faithful. And this vicious cycle, this never ending to-do list I am striving to accomplish, is meaningless. I am humbled under the mighty hand of my faithful, loving, merciful Father and reminded once again that the feeling of insufficiency I get when I fail to uphold my own standards is just that, my own standards. I am a child of God through my belief in Him and what His Son did for me on the cross. It may sound too good to be true, but that's just how God is. He is just too much! His grace is sufficient for all my parenting mishaps and fumbles as a human being. At the end of the day, what matters is that I try. I will never stop trying, and I will pray to end every condemning, not-good-enough, thought that enters my mind because I know that every good thing that comes my way has nothing to do with who I am, but rather who He is. There is nothing we can do to make Him love us more or less. There is absolutely nothing that can separate us from His love. It's all around us. His yoke is easy and His burden is light, and I can exchange the weight of the pressures of this life for His joy that is my strength.

"He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. 

And what does the Lord require of you?

To act justly and to love mercy

and to walk humbly with your God."

Micah 6:8

 *Update: Let me just add that in learning to cut myself some slack I have learned to cut those close to me some slack as well. It is so absolutely freeing to remind myself of our humanity. We're all quirky and have our different strengths and weaknesses. When I am criticized or fall below other people's standards or understanding I don't let it get to me like I used to. They don't have to understand or approve of me and I don't have to get them either. It all boils down to love; love for the human race. None of us are better or worse, we're all just doing the best we can. God created us all and we're all precious to Him. Everyone we meet has an eternal soul that has value and worth. Everyone has something loveable about them. Will we make the choice to see that, or will we brush them off and perhaps miss out on really living and loving? (November 4, 2013)