Joel's Birth Story-Part 3, Reflections
Looking back, I feel like if I hadn't known about Joel's heart rate dropping I would have been able to continue laboring peacefully and moving around in ways that felt comfortable and natural. I am convinced that God can and does give pain free, supernatural births in His glory and presence for those who will just believe. In my case, what I had to do for my baby's safety was painful, but God brought me through it with a healthy baby, which is way more important than my comfort. So for that reason, I now have no bad feelings about how it all worked out.
Another thing that stood out to me in the Kingdom Childbirth Class was how we need to have faith when we are believing for something specific but we can't forget to also have hope when/if things don't go according to our desires. This is true not just in childbirth, but in life. We must have hope that is so sure of God's goodness in all our circumstances in life that we know He can still show up and possibly even bring something even better to pass for us even if we were praying for something different. We have to trust that God will never forsake us and that He is good and only good. I'm so glad I had those promises to lean on when what I anticipated for my birth plan went a different direction.
I had faith that God was going to give me a beautiful, supernatural, even pain-free birth in His glory. I didn't get the fullness of that for whatever reason, and I struggled with disappointment in the days and weeks following Joel's birth. I cried at the thought of not being able to put his footprints on the wall at the birth center because he wasn't born there, which I did end up being able to do. I cried when I saw the birth announcement of the baby born the night after Joel was born up on the birth center's Facebook page. I had looked forward to that too but it seemed like that wasn't going to happen either, but it did. Those things are so trivial, but in the emotional state I was in, it mattered to me. I cried because of the hospital bills that we are now going to have to find a way to pay because we got pregnant two weeks after we canceled our insurance, on top of the bill we had just paid off at the birth center. I cried because things didn't go like I envisioned. The more I reflected on it and saw how God's hand was all over it the whole time despite my lack of faith, I was so thankful that He shows up at all kinds of births bringing His hope.
The Bible says in Romans 5 that hope does not disappoint us. Not long before I found out I was pregnant I was really struggling in my mind. I was really good at hiding it though. I let the devil whisper lies about my circumstances and I magnified those lies by dwelling on them. Instead of looking for good things around me, and there were plenty, I chose to let my mind spiral down a dark path where I contemplated how dying would be such an easy solution to all of those problems that seemed insurmountable and overwhelming (Again, this was not reality, but I had allowed my thoughts to blow things out of proportion in my mind.) I never considered suicide but I remember telling God that it would be so nice if my life could just be over so I wouldn't have to struggle anymore. Those were real thoughts in my mind and no one ever knew about it. I'd hear about someone who committed suicide and I'd think about how if I didn't have Jesus to walk me through this, that could be me. Then I'd think about how shocked everyone would be, which led me to think about how many other people I come into contact with that are silently suffering just like I was. The difference between me and those people who became part of the statistic was only the grace of God.
The first thing that started the turn around was me getting the job at First Baptist School. I dearly love my children and I am so grateful for the time we spent homeschooling, but the pressure I felt as their teacher was heavily weighing on me. I was spread really thin and my tank had been on empty for a long time when out of the blue I got that opportunity because a friend of mine thought of me when she heard of the job opening. God can move suddenly in your life! He looks down and sees our needs. The Bible says that in due season we will reap a harvest if we don't give up. In due season God will work things out! If you're reading this and you are discouraged, today could be the day things start turning around for you. Today could be the day you get what you've been believing God for. Don't give up!
Do what Psalm 71:14-15 says and "Always have hope." The verse goes on to say something that has been key for me getting through various troubles in my life. It says, "I will praise You more and more." No matter what happens in my life I will never stop praising God. When I praise God He turns my sorrow to joy. He lifts off that spirit of heaviness and replaces it with a garment of praise. He turns my mourning into dancing. In His presence I feel fullness of joy. It's like my own personal therapy session but better. In those moments all that matters is how big God is and how no matter what I'm facing I know He is still worthy of praise. So, I just do it.
If you've never done that you should try. Just lift your hands and sing praises to the One who will never leave you nor forsake you. For those moments just focus on God and what He's already done for you. It's miraculous how He changes our perspective when we do that. He's the One who sees all of your thoughts and your actions and He still loves you. That's the most freeing truth you can ever accept. There is nothing you can do to make him love you any more or any less than He does right now. How do I know that? Because that's how I love my kids. They could never do anything so bad that would make me turn my back on them. The moment they were born I loved them so much I'd give my life for them, and I don't think you can love anyone more than that.
Having Joel has given me my life back. I don't feel like I'm just going through the motions anymore. I'm not 100% there yet, but I feel like I'm on the path to truly living. God taught me so much throughout my pregnancy. I needed that time to sit back and take time for me without guilt. I never would have done that before. When you're pregnant everyone lets you eat what you want to, rest when you want to, and be excused for crying all the time. It's great! God used that time to heal a lot of my emotions. Now I'm at the place where I am enjoying time alone with Him everyday when I'm home taking care of Joel. I love where I'm at right now. My introverted self who loves to be alone in the quiet is jumping for joy. I don't know how long this season will last, but I am enjoying it while it's here.
I was looking back through my prayer journal and I found this that I wrote on May 9. It is a word I wrote from God to me during my prayer time.
Another thing that stood out to me in the Kingdom Childbirth Class was how we need to have faith when we are believing for something specific but we can't forget to also have hope when/if things don't go according to our desires. This is true not just in childbirth, but in life. We must have hope that is so sure of God's goodness in all our circumstances in life that we know He can still show up and possibly even bring something even better to pass for us even if we were praying for something different. We have to trust that God will never forsake us and that He is good and only good. I'm so glad I had those promises to lean on when what I anticipated for my birth plan went a different direction.
I had faith that God was going to give me a beautiful, supernatural, even pain-free birth in His glory. I didn't get the fullness of that for whatever reason, and I struggled with disappointment in the days and weeks following Joel's birth. I cried at the thought of not being able to put his footprints on the wall at the birth center because he wasn't born there, which I did end up being able to do. I cried when I saw the birth announcement of the baby born the night after Joel was born up on the birth center's Facebook page. I had looked forward to that too but it seemed like that wasn't going to happen either, but it did. Those things are so trivial, but in the emotional state I was in, it mattered to me. I cried because of the hospital bills that we are now going to have to find a way to pay because we got pregnant two weeks after we canceled our insurance, on top of the bill we had just paid off at the birth center. I cried because things didn't go like I envisioned. The more I reflected on it and saw how God's hand was all over it the whole time despite my lack of faith, I was so thankful that He shows up at all kinds of births bringing His hope.
The Bible says in Romans 5 that hope does not disappoint us. Not long before I found out I was pregnant I was really struggling in my mind. I was really good at hiding it though. I let the devil whisper lies about my circumstances and I magnified those lies by dwelling on them. Instead of looking for good things around me, and there were plenty, I chose to let my mind spiral down a dark path where I contemplated how dying would be such an easy solution to all of those problems that seemed insurmountable and overwhelming (Again, this was not reality, but I had allowed my thoughts to blow things out of proportion in my mind.) I never considered suicide but I remember telling God that it would be so nice if my life could just be over so I wouldn't have to struggle anymore. Those were real thoughts in my mind and no one ever knew about it. I'd hear about someone who committed suicide and I'd think about how if I didn't have Jesus to walk me through this, that could be me. Then I'd think about how shocked everyone would be, which led me to think about how many other people I come into contact with that are silently suffering just like I was. The difference between me and those people who became part of the statistic was only the grace of God.
The first thing that started the turn around was me getting the job at First Baptist School. I dearly love my children and I am so grateful for the time we spent homeschooling, but the pressure I felt as their teacher was heavily weighing on me. I was spread really thin and my tank had been on empty for a long time when out of the blue I got that opportunity because a friend of mine thought of me when she heard of the job opening. God can move suddenly in your life! He looks down and sees our needs. The Bible says that in due season we will reap a harvest if we don't give up. In due season God will work things out! If you're reading this and you are discouraged, today could be the day things start turning around for you. Today could be the day you get what you've been believing God for. Don't give up!
Do what Psalm 71:14-15 says and "Always have hope." The verse goes on to say something that has been key for me getting through various troubles in my life. It says, "I will praise You more and more." No matter what happens in my life I will never stop praising God. When I praise God He turns my sorrow to joy. He lifts off that spirit of heaviness and replaces it with a garment of praise. He turns my mourning into dancing. In His presence I feel fullness of joy. It's like my own personal therapy session but better. In those moments all that matters is how big God is and how no matter what I'm facing I know He is still worthy of praise. So, I just do it.
If you've never done that you should try. Just lift your hands and sing praises to the One who will never leave you nor forsake you. For those moments just focus on God and what He's already done for you. It's miraculous how He changes our perspective when we do that. He's the One who sees all of your thoughts and your actions and He still loves you. That's the most freeing truth you can ever accept. There is nothing you can do to make him love you any more or any less than He does right now. How do I know that? Because that's how I love my kids. They could never do anything so bad that would make me turn my back on them. The moment they were born I loved them so much I'd give my life for them, and I don't think you can love anyone more than that.
Having Joel has given me my life back. I don't feel like I'm just going through the motions anymore. I'm not 100% there yet, but I feel like I'm on the path to truly living. God taught me so much throughout my pregnancy. I needed that time to sit back and take time for me without guilt. I never would have done that before. When you're pregnant everyone lets you eat what you want to, rest when you want to, and be excused for crying all the time. It's great! God used that time to heal a lot of my emotions. Now I'm at the place where I am enjoying time alone with Him everyday when I'm home taking care of Joel. I love where I'm at right now. My introverted self who loves to be alone in the quiet is jumping for joy. I don't know how long this season will last, but I am enjoying it while it's here.
I was looking back through my prayer journal and I found this that I wrote on May 9. It is a word I wrote from God to me during my prayer time.
Beloved, I see your pain and your struggle. I don't condemn you.
I don't point my finger. I see you in the future and how my plan unfolds.
Trust me. Rest in me.
Give your family to me and watch what I can do!
You'll be amazed and then you'll give me glory.
I am molding hearts. You are what they need as a mom and a wife.
You are strong.
You have wisdom and my Spirit will lead you.
Just love. Only love.
You are imperfect and that's OK. You are weak but I'm using you still.
You're about to enter a sweet time.
I have given you such a gift at just the right time.
You've trusted my faithfulness and you will see my goodness.
You're about to be able to exhale. Life has been overwhelming
but you've been a blessing. I am proud.
I see your heart and your thoughts. Your intentions are good.
You will have your hearts desire.
Keep looking around you and noticing others' needs.
God is good. If you're in a dark place like I was, find a scripture or two to cling to. Keep doing the right thing. Instead of focusing on your own problems and letting them get control over you, look for ways you can bless others. Give sacrificially and see what God does with your offerings. Love people when they don't deserve it and put other people's needs ahead of your own. Notice when someone is down and find a way to cheer them up. Take note of the little things that make people happy then do those things and just see how their face lights up. It's really hard to be sad when you're making other people happy.
I hope my story encourages all who read it in some way. In life we're all going to go through things, but I believe that if we use those struggles and heartaches to let other people know they're not alone then the whole world will be better for it. Don't be afraid of what people think of you, and don't let their comments keep you from doing what you know you need to do. Don't let the devil win by isolating yourself in the prison of your mind. Instead, become what Zechariah 9 calls a "prisoner of hope." Don't stop praising God because God inhabits the praises of His people. Zechariah 9:13 goes on to say, "For I have bent Judah as my bow; I have made Ephraim its arrow." When I read that I know that Judah means praise but I wondered what Ephraim meant so I looked it up. It means fruitful! God uses our praise as a weapon and makes it fruitful! Our praise accomplishes something for our benefit. Isn't it just like God to take something meant to glorify Him and turn it around for our good. That's just how good He is!
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