I give up

Lately the reoccurring theme in my life has been simplicity. I was out shopping with my mother-in-law, sister-in-law, and two of Nick's aunts a few weeks ago, and as we were looking at clothes they were all picking out things that they thought would look good on me. I liked some of the things, but others were not something I would personally choose. My mother-in-law must know me well because I heard her tell one of them, "No, Brandy wouldn't like that. She's simple." I think I know what she meant by that, and the more I thought about it the more I took it as a compliment.

It's not that I don't like getting dressed up, but my dressed up is different than most women's dressed up. A pair of skinny jeans, a dressy top, some cute shoes, and maybe a necklace or some earrings is about as fancy as I get. If I really want to look cute I'll even straighten my hair. I do love skirts, and I don't have anything against accessories, but it all boils down to the fact that I am a lousy shopper. First of all, I don't get to do it very often so when I do it's overwhelming. Secondly, I always feel like there are better things I could be spending my money on. Then the next time I go to get dressed I complain that I have nothing to wear. It's a vicious cycle; a sad one at that.    

When I first started homeschooling I not only wanted the best curriculum, but I felt like I could make it even better by adding projects and field trips and crafts. That was fine when I was only teaching one, but even then it was a little overwhelming because the pressure was all on me. When Toby started getting in on the fun the pressure was even greater, and I started to realize that I'm just not that mom. The only way I can think to do describe her is 'The Pinterest Mom.' She's the mom with a huge closet full of craft supplies, empty toilet paper rolls, boxes, and containers laying around just in case. It would be so nice to have all that stuff on hand and have the energy to plan fun stuff to do with all of it. Unfortunately, that just isn't happening for me. First of all, now that I have three children I don't have the said energy, and secondly, I hate clutter with a passion. I would like to be that mom, but I'm done stressing myself out trying to be somebody I'm not. God bless all those moms because when I need an idea you know I'm going to be stealing your ideas, but right now I couldn't care less if I facilitate one more art project or experiment. Good enough is just going to have to be good enough, and that's good enough for me. I think this is where God wants me to be. He wants me at the end of me so I can know that He is all I need. The struggle is over! Striving is a thing of the past. Simplicity is my new goal. 

I'm selling all of 'the best curriculum' and using the money to buy a boxed set complete with every subject and laid out lesson plans. I am now at the stage where I know I want all my children at home with me, and I believe that it doesn't matter what curriculum I choose. I can't believe I just typed that, but I really don't. I'm probably wrong, but only time will tell. All I know is that I'm going to stick with what comes natural to me, and that is to keep it simple. It's totally unconventional, but I really don't care. I may even throw grade levels out the window. No, I don't think I can do that. I think I'm too organized for that. I also know that I can't not do art projects, but now I'm going to do them when I want to and not feel guilty if every lesson doesn't have one. 

My house cleaning has even changed lately. I still tidy up the whole house at least twice a day, but I don't worry as much about things like laundry or dishes piling up. If it starts to get to me I just remind myself that I'll get in the mood to tackle it eventually. I always do. Some days I just feel like doing laundry, and I'll get just about all of it done. My house is rarely clean. It just looks that way. I hardly ever sweep, mop, vacuum, or dust, and we won't go into how often I really clean clean my bathrooms. It's all about the necessities for me when it comes to household chores. I think dishes, laundry, and organization are to house cleaning as reading, writing, and arithmetic are to education. They are the necessary building blocks to a smooth household or life. If you get the basics down then everything else will sort of fall into place. 

So, that's my life in a nutshell. It's the life I would choose over and over again if I could. I cook, clean, teach, and repeat. The one thing I do for me is run. That's all I need, but as weird as it is to understand, sometimes I feel like I need it more than the air I breathe. Well, I need that and lots of pictures. We were taking pictures in the Bluebonnets the other day, and Nick told the kids to just grin and bear it because it was the one thing in life that brings their mama joy. He was right, but it's not the pictures themselves, but the memories they capture; memories that we are making even though it's hard sometimes. This is the life that we are living where sometimes we get so busy that we need to be reminded of what really matters. It's a good thing I'm writing this post because I will probably have to remind myself next week.    

What I'm trying to say is that I'm done comparing and competing. I'm done feeling guilty for not making every lesson fun. I don't care what they're 'supposed to be learning' at one particular age or grade level. My main concern is their spiritual condition. I believe that just as we are told in Matthew 6:33 to seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness before worrying about our physical needs, as parents I believe that if that is what we seek first concerning our children He will see to it that all other things are added to them as well. That same principle applies no matter where your children get their education. We all have to rely on God if we want our children to grow up to be who He created them to be. And I do. I want that more than anything else for them. I don't want them to achieve Sally's goal. I want them to seek after the goals and desires God placed in each of their hearts, and I want to have the wisdom to step back and let them do that. 

I give up. I surrender. I'm waving the white flag, and it feels great to relinquish control that I never had to begin with.