Ramblings

Have you ever felt like you had something to say but you just couldn't put it to words? It's like this expectancy in the form of faith mixed with a lot of hope. You feel like you're on the verge of something great but you don't know what that something is so you just have to put your trust in God that He's working it all out because your little brain can't even begin to figure it all out. If you're like me you've found that it's so much easier that way. I don't really pray a lot of drawn out prayers. I talk to God through out the day, and sometimes night, about whatever pops in my scatter-brain. I pray while I'm washing dishes, or cooking, or taking the trash out. I pray a lot in the shower, and a lot of times I fall asleep in the middle of my prayers before bed when I'm lying there on my pillow top mattress and memory foam pillow. I feel guilty sometimes for not praying more focused prayers. I have started prayer lists and prayer journals but they always end up either lost or with a lot of empty pages. I go to prayer meeting sometimes on Monday nights to pray with the ladies in my church. Now they know how to pray! One day I'm going to pray like them. For now I'm going to trust that God sees where I'm at and He still loves me even when I have to stop my prayer to save a child from being throttled by his/her sibling or remove a toddler from a table. If it weren't for those quick minutes with God I might throttle a few children myself! (Is throttle even a word?) Back to the sense of expectancy I feel. I'm not going to lie, these last few years have been challenging. There have been a lot of great moments, but it seems like there has been even more challenges. I know God is working on me. I obviously needed (need) a lot of work, and thank God He loves me enough to reach down and "get His hands dirty" in the messes I seem to make in life. Sometimes I feel isolated from the world while I trudge through my day-to-day responsibilities. I am often reminded though that one day I will miss this season of life. It's just like when I was a teenager and I couldn't wait to spread my wings. I'd hear people say "if I only knew then what I know now...blah, blah, blah," and now I'M SAYING THAT! And wishing I could get that message across to some of the teenager girls I know! (By the way, if they would listen I would tell them to respect themselves and not to waste their time on boys who don't respect them. I would tell them to spend more time with their family, and look beyond High School with big dreams but savor every moment as they live it.) The sad thing is, and it is very sad, that no one can tell us anything while we're up to our neck in whatever we're living. It's a cycle that will just repeat itself with every human being through the end of time. There truly is "nothing new under the sun." Anyway, back to my point. Good things are on the horizon. Even if Jesus comes back tonight while I'm sleeping and I wake up in heaven, the best is yet to come. This life is nothing but a squirt of hairspray anyway. My happiness means nothing compared to the horrible situations people are living right now all over the world. When I do watch the news, which is rare, I feel like I need that dose of reality to wake me up out of my self-absorption. It's not all about me, but I like to daydream about the future and the life God has given me. I don't think it's wrong to make plans even though you have a feeling Jesus is going to bring this world to conclusion before half of it gets accomplished, but like I said before, that ain't a bad thing. As hard as it is to grasp heaven I know that this world in all it's glory and excitement pales in comparison to eternity with Jesus, the lover of my soul. Even though my desires are sometimes selfish I believe when I listen, God gives me the desires of my heart. He places desires in me because He loves me and He not only wants me to be happy but He alone knows what will truly make me happy. Not just happy, but joyful. Joy is not based on your circumstances. Joy comes from within and it is your God-given strength to smile when the world thinks you should cry. Well, none of that made sense to anyone I'm sure, but I feel better now that I got it all out. My plan, while I'm waiting, is to "seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and ALL these things will be added to me." (There's another problem I have. I can quote scripture but I can't tell you where it's found in the Bible. I think that particular verse is in Matthew chapter 6, but don't quote me on that!) Now I can go to bed and talk to Jesus while I drift off to sleep. Good night!